"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee."
WARNING I GUESS!!:
This is a journal so i'll talk about anything, So you know, beware? Idk. TW ed? mental illness?
December 9th 12:15 pm 2020
Man, imagine being so dumb, so frail yet so angry and unwilling to change. Couldn't be me... Listen to te sisyphus 55 podcast, it's a good listen for reseting your brain. I am in need of a brain cell cleanse because my head is so clogged by my own mental trash, I can't process I can't. And I laso can't afford to fuck up again, all my major fuck ups weigh so much on my heart I feel so disgusting and confused and just wishing I'd die. Sorry. Please god why can't I have a proper epiphany like in a coming of age movie??! Is it too much to ask?? Well, I mean, probably, we're all responsible for ourselves and that's about it, I need to learn how to suck it up. But I can't and I don't want to! I am a sad bopy, I want to cry and that's all! I want the world to see how much I hurt and to tell me how to stop it! Why me?! I know we all feel bad, most people hate their lives, we weren't made for the modern world. On a lighter note, all my efforts related to staving are finally coming to a result. I wish people would notice, but at least I do and that's already good for me. I need to study I need to take a hold! I need to be god one last time. Sorry!!
November 18th 12:39 pm 2020
I once existed. I was once an empty but happy shell on which future plans were being projected. Such a happy little beam of light, smiling, curious and eager to exist. I once smiled, I once held hands, I kissed, I helped, I cried. I was colors. I was there, I was once here. Sometimes I wonder if I am still somewhere, if sometimes someone thinks of me. Sometimes I wonder if my cats miss me. I'm sorry I had to leave. Wonder if someone will go to the places where I used to go and think that once I stood there, not doing anything particularly remarkable. Once I was so hopeful, and was genuinely excited for the future. Once I made choices, confident and sure of myself. Was I really here. I once played in my bedroom, all those places don't exist anymore. Someone else exists there now. I once arrived late at home after getting drunk at a party, and lied to my mom, who would go and make me some cereal. Once I was so happy, full of curls, full of love for the world and everyone in it. How can I do this to myself? How can I be so empty? How can I even allow myself to fade so ever slightly?? To feel so hopeless while the world still spins? How can I not allow myself to exist when there are still so many images to be painted? The future is clearly so uncertain, so how can I surely feel its bleakness? Once I ran and was infinite, telling jokes and making fun of something. Once I was infinite, in the back of a car, impantient. Once I was infinite, sitting down on a hallway. Once I was infinite, waiting on a queue. Once I was infinte, taking the trash out. Once I was infinite, falling asleep on a train. Once I was infinite, falling off my bike and getting all bruised. And one day, my name just won't suffice. Nothing but a broken record. A weird unhappy smear. Some funny dusty pictures in the bottom of a box, filled with useless objects. But they move out, and empty their attic. The boxes get donated to charity, only useful and donable items will survive. Not even a little letter, souvenir, macaroni necklace. And just like that, I wasn't here.
November 13th 11:33 am 2020
Same as it ever was! SAME AS IT EVER FUCKING WAS. did anything change? I think so, at least i had a taste of normality for a while. But now, is it all going downwards again? Mother why have you forsaken me!!! Control control control. Hbaits and habits and more havits without an end. Where, awhere, where how did I get here how does one even get here. Please, this is my body oh christ what have I done. Am I that bad of a person, will I forever be limited to being unable to express the torment that goes through my head??!! If I could say it I would. If I only was able to express myself. I am sorry, I don't know anymore. I don't have a clue of anything and the world keeps tumbling down. My brain is foggy again! Where, where where is the sobriety I once achieved?! The control over my actions, the willpower of a leader, where did it all go? My motivation, my iron fist!!! Where am I? Did I drop myself once again? God no! Please ! Do not doom once again to exile in myself. I am the worst place to be. Please make me bright again I beg I beg.
(11:54)I am not a good person. I keep trying, but I keep indulging in mindself selfishness. Why why why. I eat up people with my eyes. I put myself in this store vitrine. Please stop doing this. What are you gaining from liquifying your days and shoving them down the drain into the past ones???
October 24th 5>43 pm 2020
Oh yes! O god oh fuck oh FUCKING YES! I thought I was normal. I mean, I obviously am. But for some months I couldn't see any trace of it in me, yet today I held hands with anger. I thought you left me, yet you've always been me. All of me, all my motivation, my motivation towards good, derived from inflicting pain on others! I'll starve, I won't sleep. just so I can cockily smile and say it was all effortless, that school is easy, that I have the hang of it. Fuck! HA, why do I even think people have to care? Nobody is entitled to love! Nobody! Yet I wish the people I care for, would show similar feelings towards me. Grow up! GROW UP! GROW UP! You're angry, you're mad, you're everything that is wrong, everything that is vile, neatly tied in human flesh. All of it that was boiling, now flowing out of the pan. People don't go out of their ways, but you do! Stupid STUPID! Nobody cares! Nobody has to care and most importantly nobody will ever fucking care! So what mark, your dog died, so what mark? People have their own lives and you are not them, thus you can't just be all sobby wobby you absolute piece of shit! Go starve.
September 12th 2:22 am 2020
Did I exist all this time? Is it true? Am I finally happy? Am I lying, did I grow up, am I allowed to do it, am I afraid of growing up?? I am so sorry. I don't know how to love, I thought I did, but I acted as if I were the only human in the universe and now I pay for the consequences of my actions. Yet, why do I feel weirdly happy with becoming another mind numb person? I find a weird longing for worse times in my life, I don't get it, there was such a weird beauty to all the pain I felt. But I feel weirdly happy, why? I don't want to ruin anyone else, please!! I see the faults in my behavior and I have to stop myself and work to go against my mean spirited thoughts. I find a very weird happiness in myself, can I accept this? Am I betraying myself? What would I say? I'm so sorry to me, to everyone, sorry!!! But I am happy! I am smiling, I am crying! I am happy I swear I am happy I am happy !!! I smile! I am happy!!!
August 1:14 am 2020
My brother came back home after the school year ended. I finally had a room in the house just for myself and I feel like I should have used it to make videos and cosplay. Idk, I might make them anyway, because my brother is cool. I have been cooking for myself and getting better at that type of stuff and weirdly it has been helping my mental health a lot, which is the opposite of what I thought would happen! I still feel lots of dread. But I am learning how to like, chanel it into other things and not affect my functionality as much. I feel weird about being better, like, my personality has been so dependent on my mental illness. I think like, I traded part of my depression for my eating disorder? Does that even make sense? I hate this. But yeah, I guess things are better, I am becoming better at not thinking??? OWQUwdhbcnjnx I need to do something but I don't know what. I feel bad because I ate a lot at my cousin's house, but my aunt also said she thought I was getting very skinny and she's extremely obsessed with that type of stuff so maybe she is kinda right, maybe I weigh a bit less. I hope so... Well, I guess I am glad me and my brother can watch Malcolm in the Middle again!
July 31st 5:13 pm 2020
I think I am getting better. But it's weird. It's like, if something gets better something will get worse my proxy... I want to discuss this feelings with my friends, but I feel like it bothers them. I feel as though, all there is of wrong in this world, happens to be my fault....
July 5th 11:52 pm 2020
I don't know? I know I am bad. Gosh. I wouldn't be friends with myself even if I got paid to do it. e w . I gave apple pie to my neighbors and their dad ate the whole thing.
July 4th 1:46 am 2020
So, stuff has happened. I failed some exams, I passed some stuff. Summer school here we go! I think my friends hate me. I am becominh very very isolated and nobody really seems to care. I fear I am the bad person I have always feared I'd become and that I am the toxic person everyone wants to avoid.
On the other hand, I made some tasty as fuck apple pie
June 21st 10:26 pm 2020
My dad said he'd rather talk with a wall than talk with me. Gosh, am I a bad person? Probably. People only talk like this to me because I am bad, people wouldn't be like this if I was nice. I am just tired. Everything is going bad. I feel pathetic, useless, I don't want people to pitty me, but I just feel bad. googling for the 1000th "i hate my life" spitting my insecurities and problems into a search bar, as if the computer would do anything about it. Remember that tweet about walking a lot to hatch a pokemon egg and then it's a magicarp?? Well, that's me. It really must be a disapointment when you are an attractive young couple and your child manages to be so fucking ugly. Gosh, I hate this. Because all the people I know that call themselves ugly, are attractive, smart and literally just the best. I have been told by so many people that I am ugly, and people are quite honest about it. Not just that. Also I am always fucking sad. Why can't I be content with the world and myself and whatever? Why can't "just do it", like everyone else. I don't really see the point of doing anything anymore. I don't feel any joy. I can't exist without thinking about how useless and pointless life is, and no matter how satisfying and ineteresting it can be it will never be actually worth it, because in the end we all die. So what?
I feel like I am a dumb attention seeking retard. Sometimes I want my friends to notice that I don't eat, to notice that I don't speak, to notice that I simply do not exist, practically, and to ask, "are you ok?" but they don't. They don't try to intervene. I am an inconvenience and I probably don't even deserve their friendship at all. I am ungrateful.
Gosh, I am actually feeling so sorry for my family. I am sorry. It must be so detremental to know you are economically supporting whatever the heck I am supposed to be.
June 17th 5:16 pm 2020
June 16th 6:54 pm 2020
Hi. Today sucked so fucking badly. I went to school to do a final. It was easy, that's probably the best part. Then the day went downhill. All my irl friends stopped talking with me on social media, so I resented seeing them again. And I wish I didn't. They basically spent quarantine talking and having fun and excluded me, and they act so nonchalant about it. Like they tell each other things about their lives, "update" people on their situations and act as if I could magically know all the things they didn't tell me, of course I don't have anything to engage in conversation with. I tried but they kept just not giving a fuck that i didn't have a single fucking clue of what to say. So I suggested we'd eat together, which we did but I wish we didn't. I should have just taken the subway home. It pisses me off how nobody ever does anything when I am clearly having a mental breakdown. Then I glanced at my friend's phone, and I noticed they had made a carbon copy of our friendgroup but with me excluded. So I just shut my mouth during the whole day. And they didn't comment on it, even though I am usally extremely talkative. I homestly am tired, I don't care anymore. If it weren't for me none of these people would know each other. I went out of my way, I went against my natural flight instinct to make new friends. I saw they were also struggling to make new friends so I introduced everyone to each other. I went out of my way to have hangouts, to make people engage. I apparently did such a good job to the point I am not even part of the group. Honestly, I hate feeling this way because I feel guilty. In a friendship I always feel like I always have to be upbeat and be there for others and I feel like I am being selfish. But I think it's unfair that I have always been here for EVERYONE and nobody gives a fucking shit about me. Sometimes I feel like ending my life just out of spite. I am suicidal yes, but when people act as if they don't do anything to me and then consequently act surprised when I don't act like i am 100% fine and dandy, I feel like just yeeting my life as a revenge. I have issues oof. I told all of this to my therapist and she told me to leave them, which I am doing!!! Honestly, I have no clue why I have endured ANY of this crap!!!
June 15th 1:22 am 2020
Man I don't even know what I am doing. Gosh. Today I watched 8 mile, cool movie. I can't believe it's june already. I just, I don't know, I almost feel guilty for the passage of time, as if I failed to protect eternal youth, as if I were responsible to stop it... Man I'm prolly wildin lmao, but that's how i feel sadly. Why do I feel so guilty? I need to finish my comic... I'm a big bum. I wish I could be drunk right now, it would be better than whatever the hell I am feeling and can't avoid. Is this june? Really? I am sorry : (
Hi there. Hi friends! I am sorry I didn't see this. You guys didn't leave your emails : ( so I can't contact you... Maybe please come back? I miss a lot of people, even if we didn't talk much. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org
June 13th 11:21 am 2020
Man, I am dumb and stuped. I got drunk last night while watching yoga hoser's and i can't remember anything after the 12th grade dudes arrive at the "eh-to-zed" place where the colleens work. Guess I'll rewatch it. I have an exam on monday but I know I'll have to take the retake a month later. I was too lazy, but I am trying my best. I just remembered, before yoga hosers i also watched Paul Blart mall cop and ,maybe it's cause i was drunk, but the movie was fucking funny. While watching it I had some complaints about dialogue and some type of humour, specially when Maya (paul's kid) keeps referencing her mom who is an illegal immigrant that abandoned her and paul. Perhaps I am being way to critical towards a movie about a mall cop who helps save the day from gangsters that want credit cards, deliver very cheesy lines and apparently don't know anything about their super duper planned heist... Oh well. I remember after "finishing" yoga hosers I tried watching porky's because there was a whole goldberg's episode about how adam wanted to go see porky's in the theater but he didn't and watched some kid's movie instead. I don't know, porky's was being super boring, I remember it being a bit racist ( lots and lots of slurs.. it's set in the 1960s i think ). The actors looked wAY too old to be playing high school kids, i wouldn't say any of those people were under 21. I don't remember much but yeah, the movie seemed to be a super duper "oooh i wanna get laid" type of thing. I can't remember any characters name. I remember it opens up with a kid having a morning wood, measuring his dick, putting the measure on a fucking dick size chart and then hiding it under his mattress, I never fucking understand why people do that, imagine that for some reason your mom wants to change the sheets (i make my own bed like everyoneelse but once i was at a friends house and my grandma changed my sheets for me because she needed to do the laundry, situations like this one happen) and she finds your "dick measuring chart"? "Mark I found a rather odd chart under your bed" "uh uhh, it it it's for school mom I promise!!!". Then I remember everyone is very very muscular, which was huh? did kids eat steroids in the 60s? All the kids in my class are twigs. I remember the girls in the early scenes were ridiculously "innocent" for high school kids, even in the 60s and it was just a rather dumb gag. Then I don't know whatever the heck happened but I know all the dudes are naked, and this woman that is supposedly a hooker is fake moaning in a room and two kids are that room w her, all wearing clothes, and pranking the kids by having them think they were fucking. The kids are all hyped like "wow what a broad! i wish it could be me hehehe" it's a very weird scene and I don't understand why any person would willingly take off their clothes along with their classmates just for a chance of fucking...Then they have a guy in the room where the hooker is, he's supposed to be her husband but not really, it's all for a prank to scare the naked bitches in the other room. I remember this one kid is running on the road, naked, and the police catch him??? I'm not sure about the police. Then I just remember the kid is wearing som shirt to cover his naked body and all the other people are making fun of him.
June 10th 4:20 am 2020
BRUH!! It's like, very very asduh. ahahahha bruh. So. I went to bed at like 11 pm. And I woke up with a huge headache at 3 am. i tried sleeping again, but it was just too painful, so i watched youtube for a whole ass hour and got myself 3 expresso shots, I'm out of monster and my family is against that type of stuff, so since I am stuck at home I rlly can't do my own shopping like I used to. I still don't have my license cause , europe and I'm poor. But it's ok whatever, it's not like I really need a car when I have a functional public transit system. Even if I had a permit I wouldn't really be able to buy a car so... I've been playing Ace attorney a lot. I am way too invested in that game. I like it cause it takes me back to when I was doing model united nation conferences at school, and it was just so much fun. That plus school, leaves no room for drawing, I was supposed to post my comic like, this friday but fuck that I'll have to delay it. Like, right now I live in a much better place then a year ago, but I feel so nostalgic. Like, I used to live in dilapidated buildings. The ceilings had so many water infiltrations I am sure they'll end up falling. But I really miss them. I miss being on the stairs, and seeing a rat just passing by, or hearing the water (that is not supposed to be there) droplets hitting the floor. Like, my apartment, on the inside didn't look bad, not at all, my mom would always put lots of effort into making it look like we didn't live in a shitty place. But the outside of the place, like, the hallways and stairway, full of broken tiles, piss, grafitti, you name it. But I really miss that. I was so weirdly happy, and I knew it, and it pained me knowing that i would have to leave one day. Like, I knew if it was like past mid night and I went to the bathroom I'd meet a cockroach. Like I was so used to bugs and insects it started even being funny. Or like just witnessing robberies, that wasn't so good, but I am like idk man. I also miss the shady people from the grocery stores. Like the city is full of tiny cornershops with very weird shady people, but honestly I miss them. My building elevator has been broken since the 1980's and now it's just a broken door. It used to be a very pretty building, i saw an old pic of it. What happened? well whatever. But yeah I miss my mom being like. "mark go get this and that" and i would run down the stairs attempting not to slip cause of the loose tiles. Then I would get in that tiny ass corner place and the clerk would immedeately be like "what you need kid" and i'd be like "oh just two milk bottles and yoghurt" and the cleark would help me out (it's not like i didn't know where the things are, it's just that lots of kids would go there and shoplift). Since I lived, literally above the store I would always ask them not to put my things inside a plastic bag, and the clerks would always be like "man you're a weirdo". And they would like, speak in english between them (not my first language) and assume I couldn't understand, which was hilarious because they were having the dumbest and most sexist convos ever. Let me literally quote one convo they had while I was looking at chips I wanted to buy: "hey bro" "man I got money for bitches" "yeah bro good good money for bitches" "bitches want money, I got it, fuck bitches?" "yeah man I fuck bitches". Like bruh, wtf. I laugh at it, but that's like, ew gross. And I wouldn't intervene cause they both looked like they had lots of connections with the mafia. I just remembered another awesome thing that comes with living in a shitty big city. Cybercaffes. I loved those. It was so cool, I didnt have a printer or internet when I first moved there, so I'd do my schoolwork and print everything there. And like the tech stores are so cool. Id buy CDRS and DVDRS in bulk. Even fucking blank vhs tapes, you'd think this happened in like 2001? but it was like 10 months ago. Man, and like the dilapidated buses? Oh boy, that was fucking wild. I was friends with rich kids that never fucking rode the bus, but I had to, otherwise i wouldn't get anywhere cause the city is huge and taxis are expensive. And like, thriftshops man, but way more barebones. Ok I think i'mma stop talking cause I look like I am talking about some deep fucked up movie thing ig.. I just miss my life.
Ok so like, on failing school, bro bro bro. Like, I am not a dumb person, I am not trying to say I am smart, but I'm smart enough, you know? I know I have potential because when I do things properly I get very good results. But I am, like, lacking common sense. So I never ever do anything and then I cry. But things are getting better, I already know I am failing this year, and thank god I am not american ( cause of student loans we don't pay that much money, which obviously means studying is being funded by tax payer money, so thats why i will put more effort into it this upcoming year, because it's not fair for the kids that actually do school properly and for the working people that are funding my downward spiral). I am starting to get into the gist of things, started to study more, to do things properly, it is taking time but I am trying to correct my past mistakes regarding school. I failed this year but it's ok, because I know I can do good, I know I can properly learn. My mom always made failing look like the worst case ever. I would always look at kids that failed a school year as "dumb". Which is a very bad judgement. I have no clue what that kid went through, and I am just summing it up to "dumb". Now I am in that situation, and my mom sort of realized that maybe, just perhaps, I am not so mentally well, but she doesn't talk about mental health a lot. My parents just assume I am 100% ok mentally, and expect me to be a very good student. They're not angry at me for what happened this school year, because they did the same when they were my age, but they know I had way more support than they had and way more "potential". I don't know anymore. It pains me sometimes that I am bound to a single timeline, jus tlike every fucking person ever. It's like, annoying, i can't really explain it, but it's weird, I wish I could be multiple. I am not saying I want to do many things with life. But I feel as though a human life is very unfair because we are given so much but we don't have a guide on how to enjoy life, and see all the beautiful perspectives without being biased due to past experiences. I wish I could be many people, not just different versions of me. I wish I could be like a hivemind?? I think that makes no sense at all, but whatever. I sort of want to know, or want to have the momories, or whatever, of everything. How it is to have the life experience of a working man in NYC in the late 1970s. The most mundane experiences. I think my brain is always floating so I never do my own life, let's put it that way... And then I am always regretting everything. Welp, that's life. When I look back on things I realize I did a lot, I should just focus on "carpe diem". I think I'mma go play videogames it's like 5:29 am, and I am not gonna sleep now because if I do, I'll sleep till 1 pm and my parents won't wake me up.
June 5th 10:20 am 2020
I am very tired of my life as it is. It isn't bad. But I always fail to interpret and understand the world around me. So I make bad choices all the time, I regret everything. I wish I saw the world ina more linear and consistent and even clear manner! But no, I have to constantly think of every fucking alternate life I could be having, the multiple places and countries and people I could know. Running away and changing my name. Why can't I be multiple? I want to be everything there is, I want to be multiple, to be all there is to be art music and sound and visuals and film and to be immortal but not real to be logically concluded. why can't i just be ok why are the basic aspects of life so damning for me, why do they confuse me so profoundly ? why?? why? I let down everybody I make everyone I know hurt. Everytime. I don't know what i did wrong, they don't tell me what is wrong and it0s a never ending cycle I just know I am not the one in control, ever! Like if things go ok, it's pure luck I don't control my ations I don't even think I am controlling my hands or thoughts as I tyoe this I think i have no control over anything anymore... I know it is sas but that is just reality for me, ugh I can see my dad looking at me from the corner of my eye. He looks at me as if I were a weird fucking bird or something. It pisses me off so badly. I want to get a job this summer so I can pay my own college tuiton, so he doesn't guilt trip me anymore. I'll save money eniugh to pay for all that, and I can't fucking wait to see what fucking argument he's gonna use to make me feel guilty about being depressed he's gonna use. "stop saying you want to end your life, you're wasting my money". Hhahaha, U am fucking tired, I want to move to NYC na djust work as a comic artist and leave ALL my past and family behind. That's literlly all I want. It's too much guilt and sadness that I have accumulated throughout my short time here on earth, and I regret almost every fucking part of it. Yesterday I sobbed at cried so loud, nobody even asked me if I am fine. Why my face is all red and full of tears, nobody ever gives a fucking fuck. I am tired. It was my grandmas birthday. I hate my dad
June 2nd 11:00 pm 2020
May 27th 6:53 pm 2020
Hi there. I have been drawing a lot and I am putting some effort into comics. I made a funny comic called "fart boy". It's a mini 7 panel comic. It's a dumb concept but I laugh at it everytime! I have been studying a bit more ig. I feel out of place in a way. I feel weird, I hate that like time passed.
Ok so like, I don't know how but I wasted some time. Ooof. I have a fuckton of shit to do haha. Man I am so screwed. Well I have a feeling I am gonna drop out or fail this year, but I am not bothered by that, I am just bothered about my time management skills. I think I might have a cavity. I don't know...
May 10th 1:16 am 2020
All my friends hate me, with a good justification. All the bad and weird things I have done in life are coming back to haunt me, I can't close my eyes without being tormented by my own brain. I hate that I suck, I hate that I have so so so many thoughts that writing and thinking takes so so so long. That's why you see journal entries that begin at like 10 and end at 11 and they're like just one paragraph, it's because my brain is so so slow, it's as if it were a pc woth 100% disk usage. My friends are ignoring me too. I don't think we're friends anymore. I don't think anyone likes me really. I wish I was never born.
May 7th 7:02 pm 2020
I think I am a narcissist. I can't fucking deal with my mom anymore, she only calls me to talk about her boyfriend. I think that i am a weird realistic version of Greg Heffley. I'm probably wildin.
May 6th 11:27 pm 2020
All I really do is cry and be the ultimate vegetal. I know I am not neuro typical. I don't know what my issue is but it is getting bigger hehe. Just every day, it just feels so so painful to wake up. It takes herculean effort not to hurt myself, not to simply end my life. There's just so much, I can't even try and think about it, it makes my head hurt. I want to dissect, I want to understand what is going on. I don't know if I want to get better, because homestly I think I might have crossed the line. There's such an odd sense of satisfaction off of snapping, it makes people and me confused, why wouldn't it, what's so entertaining about having life slipping through your fingers like water? Should I make a new page just for this? Have I diversified all of my blog way 2 fucking much? I guess I'll do whatever, it's not like anyone is gonna read through my damn text.
May 5th 1:50 am 2020
Life has been kicking me in the nuts recently. Today I cried so fucking much while doing the renegade. Honestly I am so tired of everything and everyone and every little fucking thing that has ever happened to me. I can't stop focusing on the past so I never do things right in the present and I know it is a never ending cycle and if I don't kill myself soon I know I will be a 40 year old man and look at my pathetic life and upbringing and cry. Well, all I do is cry, but you know... No I don't know, what the fuck did I mean when I wrote that. All i do is scream. I swear to god, how much do I need to bribe a psychiatrist so I can be sedated to the point nothing bothers me? I am not doing anything productive, I am always in pain, wasting time and crying. It's extremely worthless and I would like my life to be donated to someone who is obviously deserving. It makes me sad, all these years I laways knew I was going down this spiral, I always knew this was happening. Why do I ever believe that things are gonna get better? Things never ever got better for me. Everything is always my fault, like, literally. I am a waste of everything, and I don't care what anyone thinks. My dad had a friend in college, the guy killed himself when he was 19 and I would like to do the same. I don't care. I am so tired of pretending I have ever been functional in any shape or form. I am also tired of my friends, well jealous and angry at them. I am angry, they're all better than me in every single way. I never really was part of their group, even though I intruduced them all to each other. But I don't fit with any of them, they're all too happy and productive and literally the opposite of me. I will probably regret it but I am gonna ghost them. I don't think they give a shit about me anyways, so I don't care. I just honestly think the world would be better if the corona virus killed me and oopy woopy, I'd be a good and well deserved casualty.
4:21 am- I filmed some tiktoks. As a kid I'd always hear my parents talking about how some people went downhill and all. It's weird knowing that if somneone far into the future still remembers me they'll probably use me as a bad example to scare their kids. I always dig my own grave haha. Nobody really gives a fuck about me. I am so open about how I am walking the line between suicide and life, yet everyone acts as if I were fine and dandy. I know this is all my fault, people don't like or care about me because I suck, not the other way around, if I weren't so ugh, people would like me. But I am not. I miss being drunk. I miss it so so much. I just want to like, go back in time, not exist or like start over. Life is just regretting things and being sad that you wasted opportunities, making kids scared till they start regretting things and it goes like this on and on and on. In a way I want to kill myself because I honestly am in such deep pain that I can't function anymore. On the other hand, I want to kill myself as some sort of revenge? Like I really wanna die, but if I can hurt some people who have hurt me too, it would be perfect. Haha, that's life I guess! It will always be this way. For me to have 5 seconds of happiness I have to feel so emotionally drained I can't stop crying for hours, makes sense. I miss smoking, I only get excited when I know I am gonna hurt myself. And I don't know how to explain that to anyone. I put my music on shuffle and it's only suicide themed songs. Out of thousands and thousands of songs, the algorithm picked just the ones about suicide. Oh yeah, perfect!! I think that people are not aware that there's depression beyond the "yoga and water" type of depression. I don't even know what this is, but it has been growing in me for a very very long time, and it made get a huge hatred towards humanity and litteraly every fucking person. I feel like a fucking joke and the only possible punchline I can see out of this one is my own death. Just the fact that my parents ever thought it was a good idea to have a kid is laughable. My brother, who wasn't planned turned out to be so much better than me. I am a fucking disapointment, and I don't other people to feel pitty for me. Everything that makes me sad is obviously my fault and I shouldn't be complaining like a fucking bitch. All the lies I told to people, all the shit I did, I guess this is simply karma. I want to run away from home, move into some shit apartment in the middle of nowhere, and die there eventually. I am the perfect exemple of what not to do. I am the result of mental filth. I am pure trash. The embodiment of issues. Nothing ever feels real, EVER. And going back to my friends. I was trying to find some reason within my argument, that like, it's not fair to not talk with them, but they don't voluntarily talk to me, I have to go out of my way to go and talk with them. They don't want me here. Sometimes I am clearly crying and everyone sees my eyes and nobody bothers to ask if I am fine. So nobody, friends, family, whatever, nobody gives enough fucks about me to ask why I am crying, honestly people have never fucking liked me, and I don't blame them, if I saw something as gross as this I'd also be grossed out. It's 5:11 am now. I don't think I'll sleep again. I am so tired of me, god do end me. I never really did anything for anyone, so when I kill myself, it won't change people's lives. I don't want a funeral. I don't want anything. I want my mind to stop. I want to feel like there's something worth breathing for.
May 2nd 11:12 pm 2020
The ammount of mental breakdowns and wasted opportunities I have had in the past 2 weeks are astonishing, if there is a god, please do nerf me! I was clearly a mistake. I have started making comics and if I am confident enough I'll publish them sometime I guess... School bad. I don't know if I have scool next week and my hands are shaking? Today I left my house for like the first time in a month and like, the sun wasn't that bad but like I burned my face, and now it's peeling off bruh, my grandma told me that I don't need sunscreen because I need that good vitamin D for being white, so she doesn't buy the damned sunscreen and my skin fucking dies everytime i leave the damn house because clearly I wasn't made for this. Also now I have a phone, I guess I am back on my gen z bullshit, gotta make my grandparents say "phone bad book good" or whatelse would I do with my existence. I am having flashbacks from when I was a kid and lived in a tall ass building, but the one next to mine was like 2 times bigger, so like i lived in the 11 floor, and the building was 18 floors high, then the building next door was like 40 floors high. I miss the density of the city, like shit and buildings and noise all that mesh of the human machine gets this bitch going. I finally got a drawing pad, a wacom intuos draw from 2015 to be more precise, and I have been listening religiously to Молчат Дома
April 13th 6:49 pm 2020
TRIGGER WARNING- i might talk about some stuff that is a sensitive subject for some people, eating disorders
better luck next time. better luck next life. No matter how much I eat, how much I starve, I always feel so fat. I am tired of it. I don't care when people tell me I am skinny, tbey don't mean it. through the past 6 years of my life I barely ate. I am so gross Why am I this way? Imagine giving birth to filth. I want to be bone, I want to be nice, I want to be someone's dream, I am so lost, but it isn't even cool artistical lost, just plain sad lost. I know I will never be the same I know there's no such thing as free will. I just hope I can cease the day! I want to prove something, I want to change something! I want to be that skinny jerk that smiles and people hate. Does that even make sense? I want to say fuck you to everything that I do not enjoy, I want to not feel so sad and I don't want to feel bad for things. I for once wish i was sedated, at least I wouldn't have to deal with anything like my brain. Why is it so hard to get prescription stuff? How do I stop? How do I go back to somewhere else? This isn't nice! This isn't nice! Are we all really that too stuck in our own skulls? My dad showed me a picture of baby me and I genuinely felt sorry for him. I dreamed so much, I thought i'd be someone one day. It's over. My new RGB keyboard arrived today, hahah pro gamer! I can't stop crying but nobody really notices. I cry everyhwere. In the street, in public transport at night, in class, in the bathroom, during lunch. I just became very good at not making a single noise and not letting it show through my voice, but it makes my lungs hurt. Is that even scientifically logical? It really hurts. I feel lots of pain in my heart. I am just this weird pale kid whose eyes are always puffy.
April 9th 1:43 pm 2020
Today i woke up earlier than usual. I feel like i had a heart attack, ofc i didn't have one. My family loves being loud and obnoxious and make weird noises while they eat or just overall make noises that fuck the hell out of my sperg brain. But if I dare sing a song, talk on the phone, play vidoegames, it's automatically "shut up mark you're annoying us". Also fuck tedros from the WHO big ass cock sucker. He's not even a doctor he just has a degreee on community health. I stopped seeing any point in showing stuff to my family because they never give a shit about what I say. So I will stop telling them stuff. I just feel like I want to show them stuff and have them proud of me, I don't know, i'm probably dumb as fuck. But oh well. I kinda just wished they cared. But there's no more space for caring. It's raining outside but they left the clothes that were drying out. They're gonna get ruined.
April 8th 5:19 pm 2020
I started listening to Marilyn Manson. I am angry at myself, I am so lazy to even look up for music and games and stuff I enjoy. My family is shouting I have no mc fucking clue. I haven't updated the corona diaries in a long ass time. But I am tired of it. Yesterday I fainted in the shower and I thought I'd fucking die. My back is filled with gashes cause my tub has those hydro massage rods and I fell on them. It was so bad, I couldn't breath, I felt like puking. I fainted and woke up choking. Then i crawled out of the tub and i couldn't see. I lied down on the cold floor and got dressed while down because I couldn't get up. It was fucking awful.
my phone mc fucking gave up on life. i wanna show you how my empty neighborhood looks but no phone. Recently I have been reading lots of dc comics. Currently reading the curse of the white knight.
nobody really noticed that i never existed
April 5th 4:31 am 2020
I miss my brother so much. I hate this. I hate that I had to move out of my house into my dad's house and the dorm. I miss just binge watching malcolm in the middle with my brother. I really miss making HUGE sandwiches that would eventually fall off as we attempt to bite into them. We'd sit on the floor watching the tv show, sometimes we'd have friends over and we'd watch it together. An extremely mundane and average experience, but it's probably the thing I miss the most. Sometimes we'd sneak out of the house and buy a fuckton of snacks without my mom knowing. Then we'd play videogames and watch youtube together. I wish I had spent more time with my brother. Now we live in different continents. He's such a cool kid. We were always so mean to each other, but I am the oldest sibling, I should have known better. Time always flies and always will. It pains me to know that I will mourn the current day when I am older. I hate this day. Yesterday my "spring break" began, if we can even call it that. I spent my day playing around, watching youtube, playing videogames. I played this dumb ass game "Emily is away". I knew of it and watched gameplay like 4 or 3 years ago. But I never gave a shit. Today I played it and I fucking cried. I am so angry. Why don't I ever see what matters when I should? I have lost so many friendships and relationships with people because I can't understand subtle yet important aspects of life!! And it's such a human thing, for shit to go wrong. it breaks my heart. To see how fragile our perception of "well being" in a relationship is. And I have no words to ddescribe it. But you never really notice how much something meant to you till it stops showing up, or someone stops using the same jokes they used to have, or they stop texting you as often. When you feel like it is inapropriate to act like you used to so you fall into fucking small talk. I hate it. I hate it. I just hate my life and everything about it. I have a relatively good life but I just feel so sad. Because I waste all that is given to me, and I can't change anything. I used to try and convey an image of an edgelord when I was younger. But now I admit it, I am a frail hurt person. I am not strong whatsoever. I just don't want to feel so bad. I miss my friends. I even miss the people that weren't my friends. I just miss them all. Yeah it sucked to be in school and with all that people but it didn't suck as much as what I am feeling now. I cry all the time, and I can't focus on the present. I know, pathetic. Can't fucking wait to have an even worse life and mourn this day.
Back in november I asked my friend if she ever watched pulp fiction. She has, and she didn't like it. She then talked about how a kid in her class knew the whole bible verse that jules says before he kills people. I couldn't help but to feel extremely nostalgic. I don't know, but there's some weird art and beauty to the teenage adoration we have towards cinema. That we just enjoy the movie and overall feeling so much we can't even express it into real words. We feel weirdly attached to it, kinda like, wishing we were in the movie? I don't know. But whoever that kid is, I relate to him!
kurt died today