I just want to be better, I want to change, I want to actually exist. This, right now, this writing of mine, it is ghostly. I will evetnually be ok, but there's more work to be done.

It's my birthday, I am turning 23 :).

I have so many thoughts and it makes feel sort of sad that I didn't register all of them. I'm pissed that Donald Trump won. Today I cried for the first time because of politics. I've seen so much happen, but this time I feel very defeated. I can't believe I am adulting into this world that doesn't see me as human, but as a mere object for pleasure and procreation, procreation used against me for the purpose of enslavement, not for love.

I want to feel real, I want to feel like this life isn't just here for those that can afford to. I want to stop picking at my acne, I want my face to be clear of it, to stop damaging my skin. I want to be free from the image of the self. Humans didn't really know what they looked like unless they saw their reflection in a body of water. Bold humans saw what they looked like, and let this reflection shape how they saw themselves, enslaving their mind to the bounds of percpetion. But I am no better, so obsessed with the self, taking pictures, posing, always trying to achieve something, sometimes exploring art, but many seeking to fit my mind's definition of the ideal totally cool girl. Should I not refer to myself as a girl, but as a woman?

I want to work on this website, but i barely handle doing 1 thing long enough for creativity and the mind to do its thing. I miss my life back in Mozambique. Everything felt different, obviously, but the fact I had a more limited lifestyle made me happier.

Hello friend. I'm trying to leave my phone, I hate how artificial the world has been feeling for me in the last 3 years. I guess blogging and actually doing things instead of vicariously living through other people's experience on an app is way more gratifying. I'm listening to Ayesha Erotica's Spank it. People keep telling me I am so young but it doesn't really feel like it. Time perception is tricky hehe. I'm thinking of rolling a joint. Today I visited some people at the local scene and they were selling grinders as their merch, but my dad pulled up and I didn't want him to know I smoke :)) so guess I'll ahve to hit them up later on insta or smth. Also was gonna celebrate my birtdhay but i got fucked by the venue woman she lied to me about the price, so no party :))))

Been following this channel on yt for a while, I really like this girl's work : D https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIAw7kXNMRQXfeSZTEO2MEg

I'm testing out a new way to make my homepage, I was thinking about using flexbox to make the layout but at thesame time i like the challenge of making a website that would function in the late 90s or early 2000s. Here's the link for the test page https://suckmagl0ckhs.neocities.org/testa

I'm gonna trip balls today. I'm gonna lemon tek some cubes and think about life. I'll probably write a report for the reports page. Wish me luck : D

Hello people of neocities, I am rewatching serial experiments lain :)) My school year is ending soon, only 3 more weeks of intense studying and I should be free. Every year I reflect more about my academic mistakes. When I initially came to terms with my adhd, I thought I had "cured" myself because I started living a less stimulating life, working out etc... But then I had more things on my plate and suddenly I became addicted to most forms of media again. I feel so odd. 5 years ago I would genuinely enjoy wasting away on the internet, but these algorithms that are cattered to suck in our attention make me feel so lifeless though addicted. I don't enjoy how they found the perfect exploit for my attention, I feel violated even, I just yearn for the times simple time management and emotional regulation was enough to keep me feeling good. On that note, since I have been feeling as though the youtube algorithm really sucks now, because it just reccomends "garbage" most of the time, I bring you this cool extention I found for chromium based browsers, Unhooked: https://chromewebstore.google.com/detail/unhook-remove-youtube-rec/khncfooichmfjbepaaaebmommgaepoid?hl=en&pli=1. I don't want to rebel against social media and media consumption just because, but its more recent itterations are just too inhumane and engaging. I know big tech and all of the shitty sillicon valley dudes are happy with us farming money for them but I just cannot see this experience as more than an empty existence. Whereas in the past I felt I could build community, now I feel I'm doing slave work. My rant ends here. I've been radicalized quite a lot ever since I moved out. I come from a low income family and seeing my upperclass friends in school not be aware of how they have been drowning in the privilege of capital started making me question my life. I see their parents own companies and barely be in office, mostly living off of the resuts of other workers. Meanwhile I see my mom and dad, never able to start up their dreams because they have such a tiny amount of capital to "play around" without going bankrupt that they simply don't try anymore. I want to be able to live a comfy life, without having to exploit people, and would love to pay things for my parents as a big thanks for all they have given to me.

Content consumption is my end. I feel as though i am stuck in this freeze response. It's very hard not to be like this and I am working on it. I went through a worse phase, where I would literally watch youtube or instagram reels from the moment I woke up tot he moment I went to bed. I'm not as bad now, but I feel like I am sinking a bit. I am older now, but i feel as though my prefrontal cortex could do some work and make me less scattered. I want to make things, art and be creative, actually allow my thoughts to turn into something, my sensations to turn into something. I feel like the internet, as it became more and more efficient at catching our attention, has eaten me up. I grew up here because I had no friends, now I do and have a very nice life, but I feel as though the internet is eating me alive. I go online but don't feel much joy anymore. I hope tomorrow is a better day. For now i leave this gay bar lain edit i found on youtube that made me smile : ) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yq0_ApTwNH4

New update page :D I'm gonna try and talk about interesting things here.I'm gonna get a serial experiments lain tattoo. I traced a frame from the opening and tomorrow i'm meeting up with the artist to get the work done :)))